Manipulation

Recently I taught on Manipulation.

It's a huge problem amongst the abandoned kids I work with.  The biggest challenge with kids that have been abandoned is that they believe they are unwanted and unloved.  Unfortunately, sometimes this is true.  What is not true, however, is that they are the cause of this problem and that they themselves are no good or unlovable. 

But they believe it, and so they also believe that the only way to protect themselves in this world is to depend only on themselves and take whatever they need.  If they need attention or love, they try to force it out of you (because no one would actually offer it freely to someone who is undesirable and unlovable).

I used an example of someone starving.  So they take a gun and rob a store for food.  Their need for food is real.  But, it was a terrible (but effective) way to meet their needs.  That's what these kids are doing to the people that are trying to help them.  They are robbing them to get what they need.  My training touched on points for how we can help meet these needs before the kids resort to stealing it from us.  But we have to realize what the needs are in order to meet them.

We also have to meet their needs faster than they can steal it from us - which is hard to do.  And then it's a process to make them believe we are sincere and don't have ulterior motives in these acts. Trust.

Building trust is the most difficult part of my work here.  Not dealing with the trauma, or all the other issues involved.  Because without trust, nothing I can offer is of value to them.

Well, I am still enamored with the view from my apartment.  It's my favorite place to enjoy my chai :)

This month there's been a bit of a switch in the focus of my work.  I've started to work more with the staff and people caring for the kids than directly with the kids.  So, I've been doing a lot of work on preparing powerpoints for training and games and lesson plans instead of working on games for one-on one therapy.

I'm still doing therapy at the transition house and a bit at the school and random individuals or families.  But I am no longer working with the kids at the orphanage directly, and I've been more focused on a new training program and helping the teachers at the school.  I think this will be a good spot for me - we'll see.  I think it will definitely be a good switch at the orphanage.  It's hard for me to build trust with the kids - they have trust issues already, plus, they have seen hundreds of Americans visit and leave breaking promises to keep in touch, and dozens of volunteers do the same over the year.  I spent more time trying to recover trust lost if I was gone for a few days than getting work done.  Plus, it's going to be a challenging and exciting year for the orphanage this year, and I'm excited to be able to focus on helping these changes go as smoothly as possible.

After nearly 5 years of working to get permits, the Children's home finally has approval to build on it's land!  It's a very exciting time.  I don't know how many acres this property is, but it's big!  Ultimately, they want to have 8 homes, but they are starting with 3 for now.  This is going to change the whole program for how everything functions.  Because, as much as they try to emulate family living, it's still currently an institution with a lot of familial elements.  The house parents are there during the days and return home to their own biological kids at night (like a regular job).  But that won't be the case at the Farm (or, La Finca, as we call the property we're building on).  The house parents will live with their families in the same homes with the kids.  The tios and tias (aunts and uncles - or younger helpers), will no longer be living in the homes in shifts with the kids.  This is going to be a huge change for everyone!!!

So my focus this year will be helping everyone get through this change - and keeping up with the training on day to day needs as well.  I don't think I'll be too bored this year.

Here are some picture I still from their website to show you La Finca!!  For the last several years, the kids have been visiting La Finca for vacations to enjoy feeling freedom to run and play more than our regular property allows.  They love it here

My New Apartment

Well, God has blessed me with an amazing new place for a great price!

I had been looking for a bit online and everything in my price range was not in a safe location or was falling apart (or both).  I found a good option and emailed my friend, Alejandra, to ask if it was a safe location.  She called and it had been rented on the first day it posted the ad.  So she asked her husband what they could do to help me and he gave her the number of a Realtor friend.

She called and told her of a good place and said it will go fast, can we visit today?  It worked out and we arrived before the realtor and were able to look around outside of the apartment building.  We loved the view and location.  Alejandra told me not too look too excited if I liked it because then we won't be able to negotiate for a better price.

When we took a tour inside I was shocked.  I was expecting awful furniture for the price and it to be run down.  It was beautiful. The view is great and all of the furniture is in good condition, clean and modern.  I even like the style and nearly all of the art decorations.

Alejandra started saying how much she loved it!  And I asked her if I was stupid to take the first apartment that I saw.

When considering location I mentioned that I would be closer to the Children's home, but further from my church.  At the name of the church the realtor asked me about it and it turns out his daughter is a student at the school there.  His mother in law was a good friend of the Pastor's wife, and if I could get a reference from them they would skip all the background check stuff for me.  Great news!

And when I went to sign the contract a few days later we discovered that the owner is a good friend of Alejandra - and they've known each other practically all their lives.  Throughout the conversations we discovered that the owner is beginning a Foundation with the same goal and mission as we were.  The difference being that the owner used to be a lawyer and is working with the public lawyers and mediators, and Alejandra and I are working with the caregivers in children's homes.  But the premise is the same.  She discovered that in order to make a difference in the overwhelming social problems, she needed to make a difference in those helping - and those helping are hurting from the same issues and are struggling to help because of their own stuff.  And Alejandra and I are working on a training program to start next month for caregivers because many haven't healed from their own traumas and are bringing their own unhealthy habits into the kids lives instead of making change and healing.

We're talking about how we can partner together.  I'm very excited to see what develops from this.

An Interesting Story

I know - you don't get updates from me for a month and now I've got 2 in one day. It's feast or famine with me!  I'm a bulimic blogger :)  (And yes, I am a therapist that just made an eating disorder joke.  I don't think 2 years working with Hospice nurses did much to curb my morbid humor).

But, I realized tonight that I have a much more interesting story to share than what I posted before.  And that last blog is probably something a lot more significant for me than for you anyways.  So, let the storytelling begin!

This morning I was told an interesting story.  For it to be understood properly, I'm going to share some back stories, but I think your patience will be worth it.

At a breakfast with friends this morning, my friend Alejandra (my translator I've mentioned before), was sharing about how the Director of the House of Hope (the women's shelter I volunteer at) ended up starting this home.  She began with how she ended up in El Salvador wanting to see how to help.  She literally was told about the country from a friend, bought a plane ticket, found a hotel, and just came to explore what it is like here.  This is not normal here.  This is not a touristy country and it makes her story all the more impressive.

She ended up finding some people that needed help, and while searching for more opportunities she was also connecting with others that were helping in orphanages - which brought her to meet a mutual acquaintance of Alejandra. A mutual friend came to Alejandra and said, "I think I found a way to provide funding for your project!"  Alejandra was introduced to the now director, a partnership was created and after a bit of a process, The House of Hope was born.  

I met Alejandra the day after her first visit to meet the young woman that filled the home.  Her description and enthusiasm for the home led me to share that I'm a therapist just moving to El Salvador to volunteer where needed and she set up with the director for a chance for me to start working with the girls about a month after the home was started.

Alejandra's story-

About 10 years ago, Alejandra was wanting to start an orphanage.  A lot of things came together but there was always a shortage of funding.  But they had found the property, permits, government approvals.  All the plans were set up and they even had potential workers.  One of the people  Alejandra worked with to organize this home was Rosemarie Rivas.  Rosemarie is the mom of the family that I used to stay with every year when I would visit.  They are my second family.  And Rosemarie began sharing with me the dreams of this home.  And I started dreaming about how I would like to live in El Salvador and be a part of this.  I didn't have much to qualify me as a great asset to help - but there's never a shortage of need and I was sure I could be of some use!  But, it never worked out for me.  Every time I considered (or attempted) to find a way to move here, something came up to prevent me.  

When I heard that all the plans with the home fell apart, I was saddened, but still hoped that someday this home could exist that was designed to emulate a family rather than an institution to help the kids grow up in a real home.

Imagine my shock today when I discovered that the home I dreamed about helping build 10 years ago is the same one I've been working at for a year!  Such a gift.  It has been a joy to work in this home all year - but now it seems even more special.

Going Home for Christmas!

I'm excited to spend Christmas with my family in California this year!  I have so much to be grateful for this year. 

One thing I'm thrilled about is that on my last trip home there was a small problem with one of my planes and they gave me a $400 voucher for volunteering for the next flight.  It's lovely that a 3 hour delay was able to provide for me to take this extra trip home :)

I'm grateful for being surrounded by wonderful, caring people here in El Salvador.  I've been reminded of that as I've had car problems this month and I have had many people gladly helping me out.

I'm grateful that I get to meet a new girl that came to the women's shelter yesterday.

I'm grateful that there are people here who trust me enough to be a part of the amazing work being done at the orphanage and women's shelter.  I'm still learning spanish and the nuances of the culture and this is a whole new population in which to practice therapy.  And I've been handed a lot of responsibility and trust in order to be involved as I am.

I'm grateful that I am appreciated where I'm volunteering.  At the school, orphanage, women's shelter and individuals I'm counseling - I'm always being thanked and reminded of how much they appreciate my help.   It certainly helps me keep perspective on the tough days.

I'm grateful for my garden and that I haven't killed it!  I love that it includes plants I couldn't have in the states and helps me relax after tough days of therapy.

I'm grateful that when I email and call people in the states, they almost always make time for me.  I know that long distance is hard and time is valuable - and I really appreciate this!

I'm grateful that I have a supportive and understanding family even when I do crazy things like move to El Salvador.

I'm grateful for the family I live with in El Salvador, that they put up with my and my crazy Gringa ways :)

I'm grateful that I have so much to appreciate that I know this list is much shorter than what it should be.

And most of all, I'm grateful for a loving God who is in control of all and that (usually) prevents me from messing everything up!

Cry for help

                I've been in El Salvador for a year now.  My savings can only keep me here for another 6 months, but I am sure the need for the work I'm doing here can last for a lifetime.  So, I'm writing with hopes that I can find people that want to join me and help support this work.

If you want to skip all the details of the work I'm doing here and jump straight to the ways to help, here you go:

                1) Financially - I need a minimum of $800 month to be able to survive long term here (there's a link to paypal at the top right for a tax deductable donation.  Or you can go to this link for an address and instructions: http://www.marketplacemissions.net/page/tiffany_lewis)

                2) Join a team to come volunteer - email me tiffanymlewis@gmail    .com if interested in coming or help support someone else who is interested

                3) Pray - I need a lot of prayer to survive this craziness!!  So do the kids and families that I work with and the other people working with me

There have been a lot of amazing opportunities become available to me lately, and I am thrilled about them. As a therapist, I specialize in grief and trauma, and these are two themes that touch at least 90% of the population and the needs and opportunities to help seem endless! (See the previous blog of "The needs and problems plaguing El Salvador" for further details)

  

             My first several months here I added teaching ESL (English as a Second Language) at my church's elementary school to the therapy work I was doing.  It worked well, even though it was exhausting.  I was happy to help in a needed way while I was still establishing my work as a therapist and had extra time.  Now, I have been a little bit more protective of my time as the work has found me, and I have to be selective!  

                I've been working at a children's home part time.  There are 28 kids from 5-17 years old that have been placed there by the government.  They have been abandoned, neglected or physically abused and all have been sexually abused.  In a country where 7 out of 10 homes have physical violence, these cases are severe enough that the government has seen fit to step in and take action.  This home is unique in the country because it is the only one that works with the families of the children too.  It's been a great privilege to work with the families to help them heal and build healthy relationships.  Just this weekend, one of the mothers shared of the abuse she received growing up.  We were able to talk about how she can change how she treats her son and worked on simple ways she could make this happen, starting with saying kind words.  This is a new concept!

                I also spend several hours a week at a Transitional home for women.  A transitional home is set up to receive kids when they turn 18 and are removed from the government housing.  Their choices are typically to live on the street, join a gang or return to their abusive homes.  So there have been transitional homes created to help these young adults learn trades and survive without resorting to these options.  I will admit that these young women are the highlight of my week.  They are a therapist's dream client as they are all motivated to learn and grow and are working hard to heal from their traumas and live in a new ways.  It's an honor that they have allowed me to be part of this journey.

                I'm also spending a day a week at the school.  I help some with English, some with projects for the teachers and I have also started doing therapy with the children and their families.  In my spare time I have clients from my church and others that have been referred to me. 

                I'm working on a new project.  There is a clear lack in training for the caregivers in these children's and transition homes.  Starting this February, I'm partnering with my translator and several children's home to begin a training program for the caregivers.  I've seen people with great intentions and hearts for the kids unintentionally cause a lot of damage and hurt by continuing unhealthy patterns.  Sometimes it is because they have a similar background and are living with the same unhealthy patterns or they are accidently letting the kids pull them into the cycles.  My partner and translator who has dreamed of this, has great hopes.  She knows the need and has seen the change we have made on the one transition home we have worked in.  She believes that we can impact these caregivers and homes in such a way that the government will notice and implement our trainings nation wide.  She's dreaming big, and I am still concentrating on creating the materials for the first one!

                There are also plans for a therapist team to come out this summer.  I am hopeful to see the impact a group can make.  The plan is to utilize the team with the families of the children we work with, trainings for caregivers, and support for the medical teams that will be here.  And selfishly, I'm excited about gaining knowledge and insight from others in the profession who have expertise in different areas!

I know I've written a lot, but this is just a small glimpse into my work here.  I would love it if you could support me and be a part of this work too!

The needs and problems plaguing El Salvador

This year has been a huge learning curve for me!  In order to be more effective as a therapist, I've spent a lot of time learning about the history of El Salvador and the social problems plaguing the country.  And it is a lot.

When I first started working with the kids here, I noticed that they were not just dealing with their traumas, but that it appeared that they had learned behaviors from their families for how to survive.  Their parents, who grew up in the civil war (1979-1992),  and learned how to be adults and how to live during this time.  They taught their kids how to live as trauma survivors and have passed down these behaviors.  This has led me to reading all about the physical traits passed down genetically from trauma survivors which I have found quite illuminating in the struggles that these kids live under.

The war created a culture of suspicion.  There is no trust.  (This is also an attribute of trauma survivors). 

Lack of education, nutrition and growing up under abuse and trauma have changed brain development in the poor areas of the country.  This has left a lot of the population without the capacity to think about possible solutions and changes to their lives.  Helping and healing is slow because you have to teach and build the basic resources needed for this process.  And I have had to learn how to teach these skills at a basic level I did not even realize had to be taught.

People do not share that they have been raped because it is expected.  "Why would you complain, that happens to everyone?" is a normal response.

Here is information I've excerpted from a press release from Unicef last month:

"child malnutrition still affects more than 20% of children.

One of the biggest challenges that the new government should take is the right to comprehensive protection , which has been hit hard as a result of the culture of violence affecting children and adolescents in the country. A recent report by UNICEF at mundial1 El Salvador ranks ahead of countries with higher homicide rates against children and adolescents aged 0 to 19 in the world , with 27 deaths per 100,000 inhabitants, followed by Guatemala ( 22 ) and Venezuela ( 20 ) . homicide is also the leading cause of death among adolescent boys. Furthermore, estimated that 43 percent of sixth grade students have experienced some form of bullying (theft , insults, threats or physical aggression ) and that 16 percent have been physically assaulted in their schools.

Nearly 94 % of sexual assaults were committed against girls and adolescents and 7 out of 10 children and adolescents suffer from some form of violence at home.  Furthermore, in El Salvador , 33 percent of adolescents between 15 and 19 years report having experienced physical , sexual or emotional violence by their parents, And each hour three teenagers give birth .

In urban areas , 47 percent of teens enrolled in school, whereas in rural areas barely 27% . Some obstacles to

guarantee of this right are insecurity , gaps in infrastructure , low teaching quality , low consideration of the relevance of education and lack of family income."

UNICEF has done a lot in the country to attempt to help with child protection.  Unfortunately, some of  the implementation of their protections have backfired.  A few years ago, the laws regarding child protection were completely changed.  At the core, the message was that each child has a right to be with their families and that the best place for a child was with their natural family.

In theory that is awesome.  In practice, there are great discrepancies.  Children have been removed from institutions and placed back with their abusive families.  There are examples of babies being thrown in the trash by a mother and then given back to the same mother 3 months later, and the baby dies.  I've seen the damage of this with kids I work with.  One child has been court ordered to visit her home every other weekend (with the goal that she will move back when her mom is more stable to take her).  This child spends the weeks in fear of the abuse she will receive on the weekends.  And also hates the orphanage that keeps her safe because she does not understand they do not have a choice in her not visiting her abusive home.  It is heartbreaking.

But where there is great need, there are great opportunities to help!